Truth is, if you own it and name that ghost that haunts you you can do whatever you want with it. Truth is you don't have to carry it with you no more. It's yours. You can leave it anywhere you like. You can lay it down and walk away.
These ghosts come in many forms and have many names. They are scary. They are hard to see, but they are there all the same. Grief, guilt, shame and the like. Who in there right mind wants to see these inside when blame, excuse and ignorance can hide them from our sight. Hidden they fester. They stew. They spread fear and indifference. We grow blind to our conscience that screems in the dark and causes hayham in our lives. Listen to your soul. It speaks day and night. It connects your heart and mind. It tells right from wrong. Sees good and bad. Justice and malfeasance. It speaks truth in a still small voice. It sings of beauty from within. Your soul. Your you. What makes you different from everybody else. What is it saying right now? Can you hear it? Do you want to hear it? Turn down the noise of this world and it will tell you the truth.
If you've read much of this blog then you know how I feel about the truth. Sometimes it hurts, yet it always heals. The truth I've been drowning out for most of my life is grief. I've been carrying it since I was ten years old. When my sister died it came into my life and I didn't know what it was. It was cruel. I saw what it did to my parents. I saw what it did to my siblings and her friends. It looked me in the eyes and I chose to look away. I ran. Turned my back and ran. Never looked back. Never stopped running. Man I was fast. Fast enough at least, but what I didn't know at the time was you can't run from something you're carrying with you. But I was strong and so young and dumb I didn't even know the race had begun. Over time grief made a friend. Guilt. Guilt over the things I was doing to keep ahead of my grief. The things of this world that numb the pain and hide the truth. Guilt over making bad choices. Guilt over stumbling through life like a drunk in the dark. What a shame. Shame. Who wants to listen to that? Hey! Still small voice. Shut the F up! Who needs that nonsense? I'm doing pretty ok without you thank you very much. Look at me now. I'm an adult with some pretty impressive skills. Skills that allow me to not listen to a word you say. Sure I hear you, but I'm not listening. I'm fine. I have a job and a car and a house and a wife. I have it all. I have friends and a dog a home and a life. Sure I'm so happy can't you see I've become the man I was meant to be. Now I'm a dad and so glad there's no problem with me. So much on the line. So much going on. So much responsibility. Another baby on the way. My dad dies and I'm fine. How could I not be I'm me. I do what I do to get by. Don't even ask why. My new baby is here only time for good cheer. Sure I cry but I lie and grief runs by and guilt and my shame how could I be to blame. So I live my life with my wife and three girls, two dogs and my ghosts with never a thought to what I fear the most. The truth. The truth is my sister is dieing a terrible death and my life falls apart as I hold my breath. I do what I do and I see my own death. Nothing seems to work. There's something I'm supposed to know. There is somewhere I'm supposed to go. The time goes by and I cry and I cry. I grow old but I do not grow up. In fact I go backwards. To that boy who was Ten and I run. This is not fun. No place to go. No place to hide. My grief, guilt and shame are on the outside. I finally see that I am to blame. I face my fear. I feel my pain. I own my grief and I give it a name. I forgive myself. I hug my shame. I discover the truth and set myself free. It is easy I see to own these. They are mine. I can choose to set them down. I can give them away.
The truth is I do not have to carry them anymore. I listen to my soul like the old friend that it is. It sings the same songs of beauty within. I listen to it now with the world turned down. It fills me with joy and helps me along. A clean conscious is a blessing and helps make good choices. I own it now and it uses new voices. I carry it with me because it is light and with it I see if I'm wrong or I'm right. Let's me know when to stop rhyming and say good night.
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