Truth is, they call it mourning

Truth is, they call it mourning because it takes the sun rising through it to carry on. They call it mourning because it comes when all hope is lost. With dawn  the darkness recedes but the cold chill of irreplaceable loss remains. Grief like an old wound that festers with the very joy that makes life worth living remains. Life as the day moves forward. Friends move on with pity in their hearts and sorrow in their eyes, but life rolls on as sure as the the night follows the day. Self indulgent is the suffering in which I am trapped. So great is the need of those I love for me to be well. How can I be so weak as not to heal for their sake? How can I be so selfish to wallow when I possess all that makes a man great and a father proud. These very words I write attest to the gall possessed to cling to the losses suffered verses relish in the joy of this life. A full life has to offer many pleasures. This morning like the last offers a new chance to fulfill what my heart seems incapable. To let go of the past, forget the future and live for today. For now is all we really have and it is good to be here, now, with you. 

Truth is, right now is all we got.

Truth is, you have keep the present unshadowed by the past and not poisended by the future. This is easier said than done, but recently this truth has been dogging me. I've been straddled by grief that appears to be rooted in events from my past and burdened by anxiety born of worry about upcoming events. Thankfully I have made some progress recently and have started looking at things differently. By examining the beliefs that have been causing me problems I've discovered it's not a matter of changing my beliefs, but seeing them for what they are that makes all the difference. My feelings and emotions are a big part of who I am, but they are not who I am. I am emotional. Yet I am intellectual as well. What I think about the past and the future does not have to dictate how I feel in the present. What is happening right now at this very moment is what should be the primary driver of my emotions. To be in tune with the now. To be present here in this moment is what should matter most. To be mindful. To be here. This is my new focus. There is time to remember the past and there is time to plan for tomorrow, but no longer will I dwell on these things. I will focus on mindfulness. 

In this state I recently stumble across a quote that confirmed the wisdom of this new philosophy. 

“The truth is, we know so little about life, we don’t really know what the good news is and what the bad news is,” Kurt Vonnegut lamented in his terrific lecture on storytelling.

I have found the tragedies of my past have brought with them great lessons, wisdom and blessings. I have also found my greatest victories have played out to be comedies. If my life were a play or a movie I must admit to knowing very little as to how this story will end. I really don't know the good news from the bad. So why should I worry so much about the past scenes or those yet to come. I will play my part for better or worse. I will learn my lines. I will know my part. I will perform in the scene at hand. The show must go on. The saga continues. How I feel about it is of little consequence.

As I started writing this on Friday night it was easy to be brave and write as tho I got this figured out. Right now it's Sunday evening and what my wife and call the Sunday Doldrums have completely sunk in. I'm nervous in the pit of my stomach, it's hard to listen to what my kids and wife are saying and my mood is at best pissy. Even the script I'm writing in has turned bold all by itself. I feel dred. Not good.

So I stopped writing, looked up at my wife who was cleaning the kitchen (usually my job) and told her I was the so blessed to have an awesome wife like her. I told her it's like she does more by Sunday night than most people do the whole week. I went a said good night to my girls (one was already asleep) and let the know how lucky I felt to be their dad. I pet each of my dogs and told them how good they were and how safe I felt a night knowing they were in our pack. Wow gratuitude and interaction with loved ones is like a shot of anti-dred. As I'm writing I am consciously not thinking of tomorrow, dang, even writing that gave me a tang of dred. Ok the plan for right now is to conclude this post, do a mindfulness exercise, kiss my wife good night, read Max Brand, strap on the CPAP and do my meditation breathing until I sleep. Look out now here I come. Ready, set, go.

Truth in the Dark Tower

Before victory comes temptation.

Never speak the worst out loud!

Sometimes words are useless things, sorry for your loss.

Never's the word God listens for when he needs a laugh.

Truth is talent won't be quiet, doesn't know how to be quiet. It screams to be used. It never shuts up. It'll wake you up in the middle of tiredest night, screaming, 'Use me, use me, use me!'

Something's you wear on your face. Like a scar. I'm fascinated by the idea of duty and love as something that leaves a mark, something that might look like beauty to one eye and disfigurement to another.

I believe you. I believe in you. What I see in your eyes is true.