Truth is, they call it mourning

Truth is, they call it mourning because it takes the sun rising through it to carry on. They call it mourning because it comes when all hope is lost. With dawn  the darkness recedes but the cold chill of irreplaceable loss remains. Grief like an old wound that festers with the very joy that makes life worth living remains. Life as the day moves forward. Friends move on with pity in their hearts and sorrow in their eyes, but life rolls on as sure as the the night follows the day. Self indulgent is the suffering in which I am trapped. So great is the need of those I love for me to be well. How can I be so weak as not to heal for their sake? How can I be so selfish to wallow when I possess all that makes a man great and a father proud. These very words I write attest to the gall possessed to cling to the losses suffered verses relish in the joy of this life. A full life has to offer many pleasures. This morning like the last offers a new chance to fulfill what my heart seems incapable. To let go of the past, forget the future and live for today. For now is all we really have and it is good to be here, now, with you. 

Truth is, right now is all we got.

Truth is, you have keep the present unshadowed by the past and not poisended by the future. This is easier said than done, but recently this truth has been dogging me. I've been straddled by grief that appears to be rooted in events from my past and burdened by anxiety born of worry about upcoming events. Thankfully I have made some progress recently and have started looking at things differently. By examining the beliefs that have been causing me problems I've discovered it's not a matter of changing my beliefs, but seeing them for what they are that makes all the difference. My feelings and emotions are a big part of who I am, but they are not who I am. I am emotional. Yet I am intellectual as well. What I think about the past and the future does not have to dictate how I feel in the present. What is happening right now at this very moment is what should be the primary driver of my emotions. To be in tune with the now. To be present here in this moment is what should matter most. To be mindful. To be here. This is my new focus. There is time to remember the past and there is time to plan for tomorrow, but no longer will I dwell on these things. I will focus on mindfulness. 

In this state I recently stumble across a quote that confirmed the wisdom of this new philosophy. 

“The truth is, we know so little about life, we don’t really know what the good news is and what the bad news is,” Kurt Vonnegut lamented in his terrific lecture on storytelling.

I have found the tragedies of my past have brought with them great lessons, wisdom and blessings. I have also found my greatest victories have played out to be comedies. If my life were a play or a movie I must admit to knowing very little as to how this story will end. I really don't know the good news from the bad. So why should I worry so much about the past scenes or those yet to come. I will play my part for better or worse. I will learn my lines. I will know my part. I will perform in the scene at hand. The show must go on. The saga continues. How I feel about it is of little consequence.

As I started writing this on Friday night it was easy to be brave and write as tho I got this figured out. Right now it's Sunday evening and what my wife and call the Sunday Doldrums have completely sunk in. I'm nervous in the pit of my stomach, it's hard to listen to what my kids and wife are saying and my mood is at best pissy. Even the script I'm writing in has turned bold all by itself. I feel dred. Not good.

So I stopped writing, looked up at my wife who was cleaning the kitchen (usually my job) and told her I was the so blessed to have an awesome wife like her. I told her it's like she does more by Sunday night than most people do the whole week. I went a said good night to my girls (one was already asleep) and let the know how lucky I felt to be their dad. I pet each of my dogs and told them how good they were and how safe I felt a night knowing they were in our pack. Wow gratuitude and interaction with loved ones is like a shot of anti-dred. As I'm writing I am consciously not thinking of tomorrow, dang, even writing that gave me a tang of dred. Ok the plan for right now is to conclude this post, do a mindfulness exercise, kiss my wife good night, read Max Brand, strap on the CPAP and do my meditation breathing until I sleep. Look out now here I come. Ready, set, go.

Truth in the Dark Tower

Before victory comes temptation.

Never speak the worst out loud!

Sometimes words are useless things, sorry for your loss.

Never's the word God listens for when he needs a laugh.

Truth is talent won't be quiet, doesn't know how to be quiet. It screams to be used. It never shuts up. It'll wake you up in the middle of tiredest night, screaming, 'Use me, use me, use me!'

Something's you wear on your face. Like a scar. I'm fascinated by the idea of duty and love as something that leaves a mark, something that might look like beauty to one eye and disfigurement to another.

I believe you. I believe in you. What I see in your eyes is true.

Truth is, They Don't Know Who You Really Are

They don't. Do you? Truth is we spend our whole life figuring it out. Knowing thyself is no simple matter. We disappoint ourselves and surprise ourselves as well. We succeed. We fail. We like. We dislike. We tell ourselves lies we hope to be true. We identify ourselves in relation to others. Andy son of Jeff and Nancy, husband of Suzy, father to my girls and so on and so forth. But who am I? Really? Am I a child of God? Am I highly favored? Truly blessed? I like to think I am! Does that make it so? It's a start. I think. A step in the right direction. Thinking the opposite may seal your doom. Predestined by your thoughts and beliefs to manifest nothing by having faith in nothing seems so much easier to believe than believing your faith in God makes him self evident. 

What I believe matters. I am that, I am. His words not mine. Words from the burning bush to Moses. By adding the comma I am able to better understand his name. I think therefore I am. Is not far from what I think, I am. If I believe I am that, I am. Or at least I can be. If I believe that I am not that, I am not. Belief creates the possibility. Faith creates hope. Hope sustains love. Love holds it all together. 

The truth is they do not know you are a highly blessed and highly favored child of God. Do you?

God loves you. Have faith in this and you will find Hope when you need it.

Truth is, You Don't Have to Carry that with You Anymore.

Truth is, if you own it and name that ghost that haunts you you can do whatever you want with it. Truth is you don't have to carry it with you no more. It's yours. You can leave it anywhere you like. You can lay it down and walk away. 

These ghosts come in many forms and have many names. They are scary. They are hard to see, but they are there all the same. Grief, guilt, shame and the like. Who in there right mind wants to see these inside when blame, excuse and ignorance can hide them from our sight. Hidden they fester. They stew. They spread fear and indifference. We grow blind to our conscience that screems in the dark and causes hayham in our lives. Listen to your soul. It speaks day and night. It connects your heart and mind. It tells right from wrong. Sees good and bad. Justice and malfeasance. It speaks truth in a still small voice. It sings of beauty from within. Your soul. Your you. What makes you different from everybody else. What is it saying right now? Can you hear it? Do you want to hear it? Turn down the noise of this world and it will tell you the truth. 

If you've read much of this blog then you know how I feel about the truth. Sometimes it hurts, yet it always heals. The truth I've been drowning out for most of my life is grief. I've been carrying it since I was ten years old. When my sister died it came into my life and I didn't know what it was. It was cruel. I saw what it did to my parents. I saw what it did to my siblings and her friends. It looked me in the eyes and I chose to look away. I ran. Turned my back and ran. Never looked back. Never stopped running. Man I was fast. Fast enough at least, but what I didn't know at the time was you can't run from something you're carrying with you. But I was strong and so young and dumb I didn't even know the race had begun. Over time grief made a friend. Guilt. Guilt over the things I was doing to keep ahead of my grief. The things of this world that numb the pain and hide the truth. Guilt over making bad choices. Guilt over stumbling through life like a drunk in the dark. What a shame. Shame. Who wants to listen to that? Hey! Still small voice. Shut the F up! Who needs that nonsense? I'm doing pretty ok without you thank you very much. Look at me now. I'm an adult with some pretty impressive skills. Skills that allow me to not listen to a word you say. Sure I hear you, but I'm not listening. I'm fine. I have a job and a car and a house and a wife. I have it all. I have friends and a dog a home and a life. Sure I'm so happy can't you see I've become the man I was meant to be. Now I'm a dad and so glad there's no problem with me. So much on the line. So much going on. So much responsibility. Another baby on the way. My dad dies and I'm fine. How could I not be I'm me. I do what I do to get by. Don't even ask why. My new baby is here only time for good cheer. Sure I cry but I lie and grief runs by and guilt and my shame how could I be to blame. So I live my life with my wife and three girls, two dogs and my ghosts with never a thought to what I fear the most. The truth. The truth is my sister is dieing a terrible death and my life falls apart as I hold my breath. I do what I do and I see my own death. Nothing seems to work. There's something I'm supposed to know. There is somewhere I'm supposed to go. The time goes by and I cry and I cry. I grow old but I do not grow up. In fact I go backwards. To that boy who was Ten and I run. This is not fun. No place to go. No place to hide. My grief, guilt and shame are on the outside. I finally see that I am to blame. I face my fear. I feel my pain. I own my grief and I give it a name. I forgive myself. I hug my shame. I discover the truth and set myself free. It is easy I see to own these. They are mine. I can choose to set them down. I can give them away.

The truth is I do not have to carry them anymore. I listen to my soul like the old friend that it is. It sings the same songs of beauty within. I listen to it now with the world turned down. It fills me with joy and helps me along. A clean conscious is a blessing and helps make good choices. I own it now and it uses new voices. I carry it with me because it is light and with it I see if I'm wrong or I'm right. Let's me know when to stop rhyming and say good night. 

Truth is, Fools are

Truth is, fools are the only people on earth who can absolutely count on getting what they deserve.

You can decided to do a thing, you can decide not to do a thing or you can decided not to decide. 

"Fools decide to do a thing and then do the other." - Big K

As with any other strong drug, true first love is only interesting to those who become its prisoner. 

Those in the grip of a strong drug - heroin, devil grass, true love - often find themselves trying to maintain a precarious balance between secrecy and ecstasy as they walk the tightrope of their lives.

"Waking to the truth when it's too late is a terrible thing. I know that very well." - Roland Son of Steven, The Dark Tower by Stephen King

Truth is, Unmet Expectations will Kill a Relationship

Truth is, unmet expectations will kill a relationship, especially a marriage. We all carry with us a whole host of expectations for ourselves and those around us. We find comfort in knowing what to expect and when our expectations are met all is well with the world. When they are not disappointment is inevitable. When they are exceeded magic.

Developing realistic expectations is something they try and teach us in school. The Bell Curve is a perfect example of a model for developing realistic expectations for our own academic achievement. Ask any C student what they expected to get on the final exam? Ask any A student what she expects to get on the final exam? In this example is the grade expectation the chicken or the egg?

Truth is, I'm a big believer in high expectations. I believe high expectation is the egg. I also believe high expectations in anyone other than ourselves is a rotten egg. Reasonable expectations for those around us is one way to avoid undue heart break and disappointment. It sets us up for pleasant surprises and sets free those we love to be themselves. 

Transparent expectations may be a step in the right direction. I think we assume the ecxpectations people have for us is much higher than they really are. I think most of us set pretty unrealistic expectations for ourselves and we spend a good deal of energy beating ourselves up about not meeting them. That is between you and yourself or me and myself and we can delude ourselves all we want, but when it comes to those around us expectations makes our love conditional. True love is unconditional. If we want to experience true love we must let go of our expectations. We have to love what is and not what we expect. We must love what we have not what we want. If you want love you must give it away.