Truth is, You Don't Have to Carry that with You Anymore.

Truth is, if you own it and name that ghost that haunts you you can do whatever you want with it. Truth is you don't have to carry it with you no more. It's yours. You can leave it anywhere you like. You can lay it down and walk away. 

These ghosts come in many forms and have many names. They are scary. They are hard to see, but they are there all the same. Grief, guilt, shame and the like. Who in there right mind wants to see these inside when blame, excuse and ignorance can hide them from our sight. Hidden they fester. They stew. They spread fear and indifference. We grow blind to our conscience that screems in the dark and causes hayham in our lives. Listen to your soul. It speaks day and night. It connects your heart and mind. It tells right from wrong. Sees good and bad. Justice and malfeasance. It speaks truth in a still small voice. It sings of beauty from within. Your soul. Your you. What makes you different from everybody else. What is it saying right now? Can you hear it? Do you want to hear it? Turn down the noise of this world and it will tell you the truth. 

If you've read much of this blog then you know how I feel about the truth. Sometimes it hurts, yet it always heals. The truth I've been drowning out for most of my life is grief. I've been carrying it since I was ten years old. When my sister died it came into my life and I didn't know what it was. It was cruel. I saw what it did to my parents. I saw what it did to my siblings and her friends. It looked me in the eyes and I chose to look away. I ran. Turned my back and ran. Never looked back. Never stopped running. Man I was fast. Fast enough at least, but what I didn't know at the time was you can't run from something you're carrying with you. But I was strong and so young and dumb I didn't even know the race had begun. Over time grief made a friend. Guilt. Guilt over the things I was doing to keep ahead of my grief. The things of this world that numb the pain and hide the truth. Guilt over making bad choices. Guilt over stumbling through life like a drunk in the dark. What a shame. Shame. Who wants to listen to that? Hey! Still small voice. Shut the F up! Who needs that nonsense? I'm doing pretty ok without you thank you very much. Look at me now. I'm an adult with some pretty impressive skills. Skills that allow me to not listen to a word you say. Sure I hear you, but I'm not listening. I'm fine. I have a job and a car and a house and a wife. I have it all. I have friends and a dog a home and a life. Sure I'm so happy can't you see I've become the man I was meant to be. Now I'm a dad and so glad there's no problem with me. So much on the line. So much going on. So much responsibility. Another baby on the way. My dad dies and I'm fine. How could I not be I'm me. I do what I do to get by. Don't even ask why. My new baby is here only time for good cheer. Sure I cry but I lie and grief runs by and guilt and my shame how could I be to blame. So I live my life with my wife and three girls, two dogs and my ghosts with never a thought to what I fear the most. The truth. The truth is my sister is dieing a terrible death and my life falls apart as I hold my breath. I do what I do and I see my own death. Nothing seems to work. There's something I'm supposed to know. There is somewhere I'm supposed to go. The time goes by and I cry and I cry. I grow old but I do not grow up. In fact I go backwards. To that boy who was Ten and I run. This is not fun. No place to go. No place to hide. My grief, guilt and shame are on the outside. I finally see that I am to blame. I face my fear. I feel my pain. I own my grief and I give it a name. I forgive myself. I hug my shame. I discover the truth and set myself free. It is easy I see to own these. They are mine. I can choose to set them down. I can give them away.

The truth is I do not have to carry them anymore. I listen to my soul like the old friend that it is. It sings the same songs of beauty within. I listen to it now with the world turned down. It fills me with joy and helps me along. A clean conscious is a blessing and helps make good choices. I own it now and it uses new voices. I carry it with me because it is light and with it I see if I'm wrong or I'm right. Let's me know when to stop rhyming and say good night. 

Truth is, Fools are

Truth is, fools are the only people on earth who can absolutely count on getting what they deserve.

You can decided to do a thing, you can decide not to do a thing or you can decided not to decide. 

"Fools decide to do a thing and then do the other." - Big K

As with any other strong drug, true first love is only interesting to those who become its prisoner. 

Those in the grip of a strong drug - heroin, devil grass, true love - often find themselves trying to maintain a precarious balance between secrecy and ecstasy as they walk the tightrope of their lives.

"Waking to the truth when it's too late is a terrible thing. I know that very well." - Roland Son of Steven, The Dark Tower by Stephen King

Truth is, Unmet Expectations will Kill a Relationship

Truth is, unmet expectations will kill a relationship, especially a marriage. We all carry with us a whole host of expectations for ourselves and those around us. We find comfort in knowing what to expect and when our expectations are met all is well with the world. When they are not disappointment is inevitable. When they are exceeded magic.

Developing realistic expectations is something they try and teach us in school. The Bell Curve is a perfect example of a model for developing realistic expectations for our own academic achievement. Ask any C student what they expected to get on the final exam? Ask any A student what she expects to get on the final exam? In this example is the grade expectation the chicken or the egg?

Truth is, I'm a big believer in high expectations. I believe high expectation is the egg. I also believe high expectations in anyone other than ourselves is a rotten egg. Reasonable expectations for those around us is one way to avoid undue heart break and disappointment. It sets us up for pleasant surprises and sets free those we love to be themselves. 

Transparent expectations may be a step in the right direction. I think we assume the ecxpectations people have for us is much higher than they really are. I think most of us set pretty unrealistic expectations for ourselves and we spend a good deal of energy beating ourselves up about not meeting them. That is between you and yourself or me and myself and we can delude ourselves all we want, but when it comes to those around us expectations makes our love conditional. True love is unconditional. If we want to experience true love we must let go of our expectations. We have to love what is and not what we expect. We must love what we have not what we want. If you want love you must give it away. 

Truth is, you don't know the truth

Truth is, if you say you know the truth you are deluding yourself. To know the truth you must know you will never know the whole truth.

Truth is, if you say you know the whole truth, you don't. If you say you don't know, you do.

The truth is the avenue to discover what you do not know. It is true you do not know what you don't know. Finding truth leads you to the next thing you didn't know you did not know.

This may seem obvious to some, but to me nothing is obvious until it is. It's true. It's why I write things down. I want to know what I don't know, but where do you start? The truth is I don't know!

Truth is, It Hurts

I have been called difficult, looser, a nothing, weak, a dirt bag, slimeball, a disappointment, pee brane, waste of space, different, odd, loud, a dolt, not smart, stupid, dumb, dumbass, special, sped, challaged, backwards, emotionally challenged, sensitive, volitital, fragile, unable, uncaring, dangerous, creepy, scary, lazy, good for nothing, rascle, baby and old man by people who love me. The first one hurt the most and being called a looser and a nothing by someone who loves me was crushing. She apologized and wishes she had never said it, but at the time she was right. I was grieving, down and out, done in, fired, and had brought it all on myself with my inability to cope with my pain. These sort of things stay with you. Especially if you agree with them. 

The truth hurts, but it also heals. The people who said those things love me. None of them left or gave up on me or told me to leave. Those same people have called me a winner and someone special, a great dad, an inspiration, a motivator, friend and brother, smart, talented, funny, loving, caring, hard working, strong. Hearing these thing feels great, but believing these things about myself is hard. 

Truth is they hurt too. They hurt because I think how could such nice things be true about someone as flawed as me. Truth is they hurt because they are true. Truth is it hurts.

Truth is Forever

Truth is, growing up I thought some things were forever. Now that I'm grown I know things are just things. Here today gone tomorrow. The things that meant the world to me then are dust now. Barely remembered. Forgotten. People aren't things, but they also come and go. Most people are like the wind. Some people are here today then drift away. Some are here for the season. Some for the semester. Some for the year and maybe three or four, but the truth is most people who come into our lives leave and your memory of them fade. So things go and people leave, but sometimes something special is left behind. More than a memory. The things we cherish change us insinde. If we had to pay a great price, work for it, earn it or it was given to us by someone special. We don't only remember the thing we remember how it made us feel. When some people leave sometimes  something special is left behind in their wake. Something great. Something that lasts. Something we can pass on. A legacy. It is not something that can be easily given. It is not what you give it's what you leave behind after your gone. Something wonderful. Something they can pass on to another. Something that can be passed down. Something worth sharing. The truth. A love and appreciation of the truth and an ability to discover the truth for themselves. Appreciate it. Love it. Know it. This is one of the few things that are timeless. The yearning for truth. Finding it for yourself. Finding love. Loving what you have found. Loving yourself. Finding love in you. Knowing you.  Knowing the truth. Knowing love. Knowing the truth is forever. True love is for ever. The truth is love. Truth is forever.

Truth is, Life is

That's it. Its not this or that. It just is. In this man-made world of polar opposites it has only one rival. Death. If you are not dead you have life! Life is good even if it sucks. 

I read the other day a few things that made me laugh. I think the title was Old Guy Wisdom and was a list of truths. One was, "Life is the number one cause of death." Another, "Life is sexually transmitted." Both of these witticisms are a root cause of this post. My life is because my mom and dad made love. I will experience death because I am alive. I must officially be an Old Guy as this wisdom to me is profound. We are born. If we are blessed and fall in love and through this love transmit Life then we die and still Life is...